Regret

I have a rum-soaked regret

I spent a night lying in a bed next to you, wanting you and warmed by the feeling of you wanting me, without getting closer to you, without holding you

We passed out immediately upon contact with the mattress as a result of all that we had imbibed, as we were serious about celebrating my last night in town

You lingered after the other guests had gone

As the party went on we gravitated together and let each other know in lover’s language our shared desire, finding reasons to touch each other without a reason

I remained unconscious to the world until I woke up, still fully dressed

You were gone, taking with you my only chance to physically express admiration for you

To this day, you are an ocean away

Maybe it is just as well

Why endure a one night stand, only to be followed by regret as I worry about sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy

Your presence was intoxicating enough

We both drank too much

The bridge of alcohol became our wall

Thank you for the fond farewell

Made fonder still by unrequited romance

Anxiety

Anxiety, my oldest companion, always by my side

Anxiety
Ball of wirey grey string inside me
Buzzing like an agitated hornet’s nest, threatened and angry
Tangling, strangling, suffocating
Drowning me under dark metal walls rising
Closing in under the pressure of the shadow mountains of never enough
This shifting, terrifying scenery is my home
My neurobiological foundation was not built on safety or security
My mind was melded in the hellfire of anxiety
Flames of self-doubt licking at my heels
Constantly threatening to burn me to the bone
Venomous teeth bared,
My serpent of self-doubt is poised
Ready to strike
That’s how I get through the night
Jaw clenched tight, insomnia punctuated by nightmares
In a lucid dream I fly
In my many travels, I learn a thing or two
I understand now
That my anxiety is my servant,
Trying to protect me
From the many and varied perceived threats
Of my childhood and my adulthood
I breathe in deep
Let my tea steep
Beyond the dragoness serpent, the ring of fire, the charred walls, the mountains holding the howling winds of loneliness,
I see beyond all these horrors
With each breath
A bit of sunshine blue shines through
That bright and buoyant sight
That glimpse of the outside, of a new approach to life
Is all I need
To find peace
To hold hope
To savor the long years of hard suffering, mucking through mud
only to realize that my heart is a lotus blossom of healing
I am kneeling in humble gratitude
With each breath,
My serpent uncoils and I see her beauty
My flames simmer down
The earth beneath me settles and breathes with me
My walls fall, overcome by vines
Even my massive mountains of worry breathe,
Lush with Spring
Thank you for your service, anxiety
You can take a break from protecting me
This moment does not have to be a struggle
In an instant, ease breaks through
I breathe and bow to you, anxiety

The News Today

I lose control of my body and mind all the time
Crippling anxiety wrings out the best of me
Then hangs out to dry the rest of me
Everyday I wish I was free
I’m tired of getting robbed by my own physiology
It steals inner peace from me
I always gain it back, eventually

But my inner struggles seem so small
When I think about building walls
It makes my blood boil and my skin crawl
To witness these inhumane times, y’all

Mental walls only make us smaller
When we should be growing taller
To rise above our perceived differences and unite in love
We share a universal need for love                                                                                                  That makes me sound like a hippie but you know it’s true                                                         The need for love is supported by science, too

Separating families is beyond insane
Can you imagine their pain?
It makes me feel untamed
With thoughts of ripping off fake manes
To chill out certain people’s brains

I normally don’t pay much attention to the outside world
Because inside me is a tangled twirl                                                                                              That is already enough for me to try to make sense of
I usually feel like I’m floating a couple feet off the ground                                                           But today’s news dragged me back down                                                                                           To the here and now                                                                                                                          What we have going on
Is ice-inducing rivers of tears that will cause                                                                              Floods of sorrow for many years

I do not understand
Why those in power hurt other people just because they can                                                 Commit crimes without repercussion                                                                                                We know who the real criminals are, there’s no discussion

Could hell be worse than the news today?                                                                                           Could heaven be further than a butterfly’s wing-beat away?
I’m not one to pray, but I’m praying

I pray for safety, health, happiness and freedom for all
I pray for the end of divisive walls                                                                                                 Walls of the mind lead to walls in space and time                                                                       Unconscionable walls without consciousness

I pray for consciousness to strike like lightning in the night                                                             So that those who abuse others will see the light                                                                            And the daily news
Will cease to be tragic enough to give a girl the blues                                                                   Until then, I’ll keep praying

I pray for all the unseen young little you’s:
Even though your family was ripped apart,                                                                                     Your heart is broken and the distance is far,                                                                              Please know that your parents love you                                                                                      There is no way to correct the wrong done unto you                                                                     No way to un-do the trauma
But your parents still love you                                                                                                            Can we print that in today’s news? Breaking headline: ‘Your Parents Still Love You’                                                     What these children are going through                                                                                          Will take a lifetime of healing                                                                                                        Which is why today I’m kneeling                                                                                                Praying for peace
Which is how I regain my own inner peace                                                                                        If only for a moment