Dreamboat

I dreamt my father piled his toxic masculinity on to me, the way he does

He found my secret stash of poetry and mocked me, reciting what I’d written with harsh tones of ridicule

Unlike real life, in my dream I confronted him

I told him I didn’t appreciate his critique of my truest expression of myself

He tore in, told me I was crazy

I felt pushed to my edge, the way I easily do

Still dreaming, I contemplated suicide, the way I readily do

Then I realized that I am ok with walking away

It felt liberating like a bell ringing, like a sunrise on the horizon of my mind after a lifelong night

If he wants to die alone, that is his prerogative

I’ve got my best life to live- no more will I give my power away to those who throw me away

What is this false belief that I could ever make anyone else happy

I became very unhappy trying to make everybody else happy

Growing up in a home of violent depressives, I didn’t stand a chance

I’m ready for a second chance at life- I will fall many times, but I will always get up

In my dream, I walked away

I climbed into a little boat with the man I love

We floated down a beautiful river

We were as happy as two people in a dreamboat can be

And we are

Courtroom

In one version of my personal hell,
I am on trial
For the many hearts which men claim that I’ve broken
The courtroom is filled with shouting, controlling, angry men

‘But I gave you my body!’ My voice is only audible to myself amidst the raucous.
Who can say that my body was not a fair trade?
I feel that I over-paid, but none of the men ever asked me how I feel.

The men start to turn on each other, because they are each jealous of the others for having had my body- a body they felt belonged only to them
Undeserving jerks

They each find plenty of reasons to despise each other, comparing muscles, testicles and penises

Amidst the fury, I sneak out the back, silently shutting the door
Leaving them condemned to their misery

Outside the courtroom, the world is peaceful, beautiful, blissful-
Birds are singing, the sun is shining as it paints a rainbow across the sky
Each insect and blade of grass adds its music to the symphony
The trumpeting flowers and heralding trees
All celebrate with me
I am free at last

What the men failed to realize is that not only do I not owe them my body- or anything else for that matter-

My body is not even mine to own-
We will part one day, this sacred physical vehicle and I-
When my journey in this lifetime is complete
After many healthy and happy years
Which have only just begun