Are you still suffering?

I was on my 24th consecutive hour of work; sweaty, hungry, dehydrated, and raggedly exhausted when a patient walked into the urgent consult office where I was posted on call, sat down and said:

‘A long time ago, you fell in love with someone who was not as in love with you, and for that, you suffered a lot.’

I was the clinician, yet without asking a single question he arrived at an accurate diagnosis of my neurosis: perpetual heartbreak.

I felt somewhat violated when he proceeded to tell me that I had one birthmark on my upper thigh and another under my breast, and that I should take off my clothing and show him. He wasn’t spot-on about the birthmarks, but he was correct about the heartbreak. Maybe we all have heartbreak in our pasts, but he really got me when he asked, ‘Are you still suffering?’.

If the imprints on my energetic field from that loss of love are obvious enough for some rando creep to read them like a news headline, I want to change the vibe I’m giving off.

I was still suffering, and in trying to escape my suffering I became a physician, hoping that the overwhelming process of medical training would take my attention away my broken heart- a treatment that provided a temporary distraction at best, but not a cure.

Now with spiritual healing on a level even deeper than heart break and reciprocated love in my life, I am still suffering, but less so.

To She Who Holds My He

You are holding the hands that hold my heart

You are listening to the heart beat that made my heart stop and start anew

You are breathing in his scent, my only oxygen

You are gazing into the eyes that with one look made me see love again

You are being held by the arms that were my cherished home

You have arrived at the destination which inspires everywhere I roam

You are kissing the lips I miss every day and every night

Dear lady, you are living my dream

I hope my king treats you like a queen

I hope he gives you love that is unbreakable

The way my love for him is unshakable

I hope you savor every moment

He and I had a short time together

Now such a long time for me to treasure

My heart is heavy

My mind is ready to let go, yet I keep right on adoring him

I hope you do, too

I’d give anything- my whole life, for just one more night wrapped in his embrace, to wake up next to his face

I know it was my own dopamine and serotonin that I got hooked on, but it my love for him was too strong a drug for me to handle

I say a prayer and light a candle

May you be satisfied with my happiness, dear she who holds my he.