Detective

My man wants to know my whole sexual history

My hesitation to unleash the demons from my trauma box only sets a wildfire of suspicion in his mind

I feel eaten alive at the crossroad of past and present men

He says that his woman must be held accountable for her actions

He references a religious belief that has nothing to do with me

I try to not fall over from the sexism

He interrogates me, my family and friends

Trying to connect loose ends

My body feels criminalized

Every time he learns of another ex-boyfriend

He guns down a line of accusations and invasive questions without end

He longs to latch on to that ethereal number of how many men have had sex with me

God only knows

When he demands that I relive the worst moments of my life

I want to end my life, though I do not tell him the invisible repercussions of his prying

I am a private person

With each new photograph he finds, he looks for clues

‘You were a pretty little girl’ he concludes upon examination of a picture taken during grade school, as if that were proof of my unchasteness

He dissects each word from conversation, trying to find deeper meaning, spinning stories where there were none before

Like a man watching porn, he is only interested in penises and penetrations

He has been marinating in his own scrotal sac for too long

To men like him, women are only important in relation to other men

I feel insane with rage

First I suffer a lifetime of molestation, rape and violation

Then I suffer being shamed and blamed for the crimes committed against my body, judged for events that occurred before we met

He is not worthy of hearing about my pain, he has not earned my trust

He may unearth old rumors kicking around this small town

But he will not find the rivers of tears I have cried

He will not see the countless non-consensual encounters I have survived

He will not hear my inner screams silenced by fear and lack of self-worth

I have learned enough to know that I deserve better than this

Lay down your case, detective

Put down your spy glass and quiet your inquisitive mind

What you are searching for has been in front of you all along

A good woman who loves you, committed her life to you, and wants to do right by you

Please do right by her

He and She

He

He drugged her and got her drunk

He did things to her she’ll never forget

I wonder if he’d regret it if he could fathom the depths of the wound he inflicted so easily

She

She started to cut herself to release the pain

She smoked, swallowed and sniffed but could never escape for long enough

Does he ever think back to that night and wonder how she must have felt to be violated

Does he ever imagine the horrors rippling through her body still?

Does he see the selfishness and the cruelty of his actions?

She overdosed last month

She was revived in time

She is still alive

Tears flow from her eyes

She comes to me for relief

I hold space for her grief

I cannot undo the wound or the crisis which ensued

I can only offer a new way for her to view her pain today

The struggle is real

She will feel how she feels

But in harming herself she only perpetuates his actions against her

Together we form a plan that will allow her wound to heal

A Woman’s Rage

A Woman’s Rage

Nothing man-made
Can measure a woman’s rage
It is deeper than the ocean
And more powerful than a Tsunami
We often do not make a scene
When men are obscene
But we know when crimes are committed against us
We pay the price for men’s abuse
with our bodies, hearts, minds, and lives
How much trauma can one woman hold?
How many violations can fit into one woman’s lifetime?
I keep on hoping that this time will be the last time.
What is the answer?
We do not forgive nor do we forget
We just keep on keeping on
Because we have work to do
We are the dragon warriors
….
Yet part of me longs to demonstrate my rage for men
To erupt in a volcano of noise
To smash and crash and shout
I’m tired of small penises attached to over-inflated egos getting in my way
I want to rip off your dick and shove it down your throat until you choke
I want to break what you hold dearest over your head until you are dead
I want to shatter glass and shove the shards up your ass
I want to throw you off the planet and into outer space
So that you are frozen from your balls to your face
And drift forever, all alone

But that is what caused you to mistreat me in the first place
You were lonely and felt powerless over your desires
So you abused what little power you had
Demonstrating how small-minded and weak you are
I wish that you will soon self-evolve
So that you will stop hurting women
But until then, I’m just another victim
Of the countless crimes committed against women by men
All day, every day

But fuck that kind of talk, I don’t want to be your victim
I am strong, and you were wrong
To do what you did
You know what you did
Go burn in hell
Fuck you
I hope you die alone
After a miserable life
You took from me more than you will ever know

I want to slam doors
I want to break things
I want to scream
I want you to know how much you hurt me
I want you to feel my pain
I want you to take it back
I want your eyes to burn as these words ignite on the page
I want you to feel a woman’s rage