Body Betrayal

Why do I only get knocked up when I am not trying?

After three unplanned pregnancies too early in the relationship to realize that I didn’t want to be with the father long-term, before breaking under the pressure of our mental illnesses, I prematurely concluded that my fertility was abundant.

Three abortions later, I am happily married and trying to get pregnant, meanwhile my health insurance and job are due to expire in <9 months. I feel my desperation grow and my hope dwindle more with each passing moon cycle.

Must I be reckless, drunk and naked with a stranger in order to conceive?

Body, have mercy. I’m sorry I’ve put you through hell, faithful servant. Please forgive me.

I may strive for perfection, but I never reach it.

I abuse myself, even now. I take my health for granted, even now.

This is my unfiltered personal statement.

PTSD memories pushing through each moment

I hear the echo of my steps on city streets

Tasting the bitter fruits purchased from the tiny fortune I amassed as a professional rape victim

I don’t know what it feels like to be in your body, pro-lifers

But I respect your right to use your body the way you want to, and I only ask that you let me do the same

I may never get pregnant again, but even if my fertility is not as abundant as I once believed, the universe is abundant

But body, must I get intoxicated with a stranger in order to get pregnant, or can we conceive of a new way of conceiving- one centered in sobriety, safety and stability?

Enough Already

Enough Already

Practically speaking,
I’m not too keen on the idea of bringing another life into this world
I feel rather inconvenienced by my own life, you see
And don’t want to impose that cumbersome bother onto someone else

I haven’t had a very pleasant time at this living thing,
Having spent most of my life tightly wedged between crippling anxiety and suffocating depression, both untreated and hidden just below the surface of my seemingly functional exterior
I try to live to the best of my abilities,
But I’m not sure that everyone else tries to live to the best of theirs

There is so much suffering inflicted on ourselves by ourselves, fellow humans
I don’t know about you, but I’ve experienced more than enough of the stuff
Through long years of fear
Between bouts of violence, rape, exploitation and abuse

Far be it from me to add to the mess by producing another person who would inevitably both be hurt and hurt others during their lifetime
They would feel so much pain, rage and shame
Why not skip the whole thing?

How would I find the time or the energy to make a baby?
How would I pay for my baby’s needs, when I can barely afford my own minimal living expenses?
How could I teach a baby to live well, when I fumble so crudely with the art?

Though babies are cute
And sacred as can be
Each baby is a blank slate of unadulterated potential
That quickly gets covered in other people’s graffiti

Babies grow up and learn qualities such as greed, jealousy, selfishness and dishonesty
Adults have been known to destroy uncounted lives in the pursuit of their own insatiable appetites
Just look at the news today
It seems that those who live selfishly are both numerous and vastly destructive

This world was never safe, but it has grown particularly savage lately
Our Earth is not fit to raise a child in
Where is the clean air, clean water, clean soil?
Where is there a place without oppression and senseless violence?

To my inner harm-doer, and to yours, I humbly suggest:

The next time you feel overwhelmed by desire,
Sit still, unclench your body and your mind, breathe deep
Relax into the sensation of unrest and let it go
Feel supported by life
Comfort your own inner baby
And stop the chain of pain
Enough already