- No fighting
- No bad sex or pressure to have sex when you don’t want to
- No wasting time, money or energy on somebody who only gives you grief
I was on my 24th consecutive hour of work; sweaty, hungry, dehydrated, and raggedly exhausted when a patient walked into the urgent consult office where I was posted on call, sat down and said:
‘A long time ago, you fell in love with someone who was not as in love with you, and for that, you suffered a lot.’
I was the clinician, yet without asking a single question he arrived at an accurate diagnosis of my neurosis: perpetual heartbreak.
I felt somewhat violated when he proceeded to tell me that I had one birthmark on my upper thigh and another under my breast, and that I should take off my clothing and show him. He wasn’t spot-on about the birthmarks, but he was correct about the heartbreak. Maybe we all have heartbreak in our pasts, but he really got me when he asked, ‘Are you still suffering?’.
If the imprints on my energetic field from that loss of love are obvious enough for some rando creep to read them like a news headline, I want to change the vibe I’m giving off.
I was still suffering, and in trying to escape my suffering I became a physician, hoping that the overwhelming process of medical training would take my attention away my broken heart- a treatment that provided a temporary distraction at best, but not a cure.
Now with spiritual healing on a level even deeper than heart break and reciprocated love in my life, I am still suffering, but less so.
You came in like a whale
Mapless, I didn’t know where you’d been or where you were headed
Your eyes held the treasures you’d seen and the mermaids you’d befriended
From first sight, you were all I could see- you filled my eyes until they overflowed
I felt so fortunate to behold you, if only for a moment
Your appearance above the surface seemed to be for me alone
I blinked and you crashed back into the depths, upsetting my little boat
The commotion stirred by your momentum smashed me to pieces
I’m still picking them up
You deftly moved on to a far away ocean, perhaps without knowing the wreckage left in your wake
Perhaps you never saw me
Yet my love for you remains deeper than the sea
I wait and watch the horizon, hoping to the moon that the tides will bring you back to me
Though you are not mine to have
Only in my heart could I contain something so much larger than myself
The story of the love of my life was like a fairytale
I followed the promise of the afternoon breeze right to my love
On our first date we went for a walk on a winding, icy path through the woods, during which I fell into his arms repeatedly
The pull into each other’s gravity was too strong to overcome
I got knocked up right away
We planned it that way
But it didn’t stay
I was sick with fatigue, nausea, and depression and didn’t have the time or money to have a baby
I thought he would step up to the role of a caretaker but he had his own self-imposed obligations
Not a day went by that he didn’t lose his phone or his wallet, how could I raise a kid with him?
No one, not even him, supported me the way I needed
As soon as the abortion was scheduled I joined a dating app
Still pregnant, I went for picnics in the park with strangers and drank homemade sangria which had warmed in the afternoon sun
A few bad dates later and my sanity returned to me in the clarity of my non-pregnant state,
I realized that he was actually pretty great
Sure, he didn’t own the condo or the SUV and wasn’t offering me the lifetime of security that the dating app men were, but he felt right to me
So we got back together
I cheated on him once while he was out of town and I was planning on breaking up with him when he returned, except I didn’t
I think I will feel ashamed of my misdeeds my whole life
Then we got engaged, married, and I am pregnant again, except now with more time, money and support than before
He no longer loses important things
We are living happily ever after
Except for every time he rehashes the past
Which is too often
I don’t want to talk about every sexual act I’ve ever done with a man, yet he harps on the topic
I wish I hadn’t created such a horror film of a life
I’m trying to sculpt a happier future
For me and the little one
I keep thinking I will stop swearing and start glowing
Holy shit, I’m pregnant
Although I am wary of parenting because my own childhood was awful
I will do a better job than my parents
Every day is my happy ending
I don’t know what to do so I won’t do anything
I don’t know what to say, so I’ll sing
How come you give it to me, but I never give it to you?
I’m waiting for permission that is only mine to grant
I don’t know why- yes I do- you were hurt by me, I was hurt by you
If I were to tell you how I feel, what would I say?
I think you’re less than perfect too
I’ve committed crimes, but so have you
I don’t give you a hard time, maybe you could try that too
I need you to love me gently, instead of hardly
We don’t speak the same love language and I’m talking to myself again
You start fires, I put them out
You get loud and I want to shout
I don’t know what to do, so I won’t do anything
You won’t hear me complain because I don’t
Maybe you could try a little introspection and I could try a little introspection
We could be each other’s reflection, like we are
We’re made of stars
Why is this so hard
Was it you or was it I
When was that lie
Was it white like the magnolia blossom
Take a sip from that sweet cup
Drink it up
Like you drank down those sweet lies
Was it you or was it I
Did you even feel me by your side
Or was it your desire that caught us on fire
And burned truth before our eyes
My man says he wants to know my history
I’d rather let it remain a mystery
I’d rather root into the present and grow a vibrant life
Than be blown over by memories of past storms and strife
Battered by hard knocks too soon
I hungered for the elusive silver spoon
How can I tell him about that first burning sting
Of too-soon penile penetration, I was barely fourteen
Of teenage crushes that crushed my heart
To this day I wrestle with heartbreak in the dark
Of older men with erectile dysfunction
I thought I’d moved beyond that at this junction
How can I tell him about the prima donnas
Inexplicably exploding bombs of drama
How can I tell him about the mobster
Who said I was safe because he had a loaded gun in his trunk
If I was so safe, why was he driving drunk?
How can I tell him about the rich man who offered me everything
Except happiness and peace
I’ve dropped men so fast they felt hit by concrete
Don’t come between me and my dreams
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, painful and blistery
Yet I keep moving forward to write my own history
He doesn’t get our inside jokes, darling
The innuendos that brought us endless laughter
He and I are still finding our humor, creating our culture, letting our formalities dissolve while our lust perches like a vulture
His body doesn’t fit with mine quite like yours did, darling
He and I are still finding our rhythm, dancing between air and fire, respect and desire
He remains a mystery to me in his newness, our future unfurls like a blank scroll ready to sacrifice it’s unwritten perfection in the name of living. We hold our pends awkwardly, unsure what to write. Our flaws will reveal themselves soon enough.
You are as well known to me as my favorite book- familiar stories I was raised on, that well-worn trauma track that feels like home. Pages stained, underlined and dog-eared, cover falling off. I know our lines by heart.
He’s not you, and what he and I have will never be what you and I had, thank God.
You hand picked me wild flower bouquets. He texts me rose emojis.
He doesn’t know our struggles, darling, nor our successes.
But he treats me better than you did.
You treated me like a princess but also like a prisoner. Your arms were my shelter, and my jail cell.
All those sweet cocktails only brought your bitterness to the surface. You drunkenly lashed out at me time and time again, and that is why we can no longer be.
I am with him now, and our journey is well under way.
Any heart that beats is a heart that breaks.
Yet after it breaks, it keeps beating.
All hearts stop beating on day, giving us a break from heart break
Perhaps in death we are united with the ultimate love- freed from our bodies, our spirits cannot help but melt together with all.
We will have to wait and see.
In the mean time, I am blessed to travel alongside him. I wouldn’t appreciate his humor, his body, his sweet gentle ways, if I had not known you first. I see how the pieces fit together, revealing beauty and perfection.
He demands the truth from me
Your rage strikes my heart like a lightning bolt