Carnival

Welcome to the carnival

I offer all manner of novelties to delight you
Are your thoughts as wild as a flying trapeze?
I’ve got pills to set your mind at ease
Does your heart feel like it has been trampled by an elephant?
You don’t need to use booze to get bent
I’ll flood your blood with chemical love and adjust the dose to fit like a glove
I’ve perfected my performance to be your ideal physician despite my perpetual exhaustion, hanger and burn out
Ignoring my own pain as I eliminate yours
Neither one of us is listening to the sacred wisdom of our bodies
I suffer long and hard so that you don’t have to feel a thing
In my side-show alley you’ll see that if you want more than an endless stream of candy refills, if you want me to be your shaman instead of your drug dealer, at any time you can feel your feelings instead of suppress them
Take a plunge from the high dive on the wild horse of your unmedicated body
Hear your healing lion’s roar
Let your self-expression soar
Allow yourself to fall into the safety net of the universe
Trust that you belong, that you are a star just as you are
Juggle fire and meet yourself with humor when gravity makes its presence known
Allow yourself to be shot from the cannon of self-doubt, trusting that you will be ok
If healing is a series of flaming hoops
The transformative way out is through
Show yourself what you can do
Dance to uplifting music every day
Cultivate strength and flexibility in body and brain
Remind yourself it is normal to feel insane
In this seemingly crazy world, only you can take the reins
Be the ringleader of your life
It ain’t me, babe
Though I have the hard-won power to prescribe the goodies you crave
To be in control of ourselves we must give up control of everything else
Welcome to the big time
The show can’t go on without you
I applaud you
My eyes are open to witness your marvels and miracles

Off My Chest

I need to get you off my chest

I’ve never felt relaxed in my life because you raised me in the war zone of your wrath
Bombs of panic explode in my mind all day every day
Choking me with your smoke and mirrors even though you are far away
My ears ring with your shouting
You were the biggest little tyrant
Not even two years my senior
Yet always more needy
Mandating, yet begging
I didn’t realize the power I had over you, and still do
You were the one dependent on me for affirmation, not the other way around
I didn’t have a choice then, but I do now-
To live a life without your storms brewing on my horizon
I’ve never slept well in my life because I thought you were going to murder me in my sleep throughout our childhood and adolescence
I used lie in bed wearing a cross around my neck with a note attached to it asking you to think before acting, waiting for dawn to break, dreading another day with you, feeling trapped and hopeless with no end in sight
I never felt protected, respected, seen or heard by our parents
In moments of desperation, I wish you had killed me
Instead you continue to torture me passive aggressively, and I am passive passive aggressive
Silenced, as if buried alive
I toss and turn, tormented between insomnia and nightmares
I’m trying to think before I act
I am upset that I’m even thinking about you now
I am upset about how you get upset ‘at’ me: you throw your rage at me and have me clean up the mess, time and time again, left to calm your ass down as if your reactions were justifiable or somehow my fault
It was never my fault
I am not responsible for how you feel
Leave me alone you evil bitch
I want to scream at you with the force of 35 years of repressed anger and tears
At the same time, I am trying to let go of the hot coal which burns my palm
I am trying to let the rippling waters of my pond be still
I am trying to not be irritated, for only then will you no longer be irritating
I am trying to take responsibility for my thoughts and feelings
I am tired of trying so damn hard
I am ready for ease
I am ready for peace
I am ready to breathe
Please, get off my chest
I don’t need to ask- I am responsible for how I feel
I’m not sure what to do next
I’ll probably meditate and self-medicate with raw emo poetry
Like the note pinned to my cross-necklace, you will probably never read this
But maybe those who matter will
Those who feel they are suffering alone
May find healing in this onion peel
And breathe just one breath more freely
For this I humbly pray
Namaste

Pockets of Bliss

Pockets of Bliss

Hard-scrabble
Uphill battle
Stoically strong
All my life long

That was my marching song

Yet if I let myself unwind a bit
I find myself basking in pockets of bliss
Soaking in satisfaction, abundance, gratitude
It feels like the ultimate kiss
As I both receive and radiate
The generous glow of the sun

My mind usually tells myself that I don’t have time
For such indulgent, frivolous nonsense
That I’ve got to push push push
And forever rush rush rush

I fooled myself into believing
That I didn’t deserve the luxury of deep breathing
That rest and relaxation were only for the privileged rich
Such was my justification for prioritizing everything else                                                       Before my own needs

For too long I wrongly bought into the ideology
That my life was not to be enjoyed
That I should run hungry all my days
As if pursued by a ravenous wolf in all kinds of ways

But today I re-realized that I am the wolf
And also the prey
Only I have the power to say,
‘Enough of being tough.
I am ready for ease!’

If only in pockets to start
Because old habits are hard to break,
Just ask my heart

So it is with patience and persistence,
Guided by gentle wisdom
That I fill my pockets to overflowing
With bliss bliss bliss

The News Today

I lose control of my body and mind all the time
Crippling anxiety wrings out the best of me
Then hangs out to dry the rest of me
Everyday I wish I was free
I’m tired of getting robbed by my own physiology
It steals inner peace from me
I always gain it back, eventually

But my inner struggles seem so small
When I think about building walls
It makes my blood boil and my skin crawl
To witness these inhumane times, y’all

Mental walls only make us smaller
When we should be growing taller
To rise above our perceived differences and unite in love
We share a universal need for love                                                                                                  That makes me sound like a hippie but you know it’s true                                                         The need for love is supported by science, too

Separating families is beyond insane
Can you imagine their pain?
It makes me feel untamed
With thoughts of ripping off fake manes
To chill out certain people’s brains

I normally don’t pay much attention to the outside world
Because inside me is a tangled twirl                                                                                              That is already enough for me to try to make sense of
I usually feel like I’m floating a couple feet off the ground                                                           But today’s news dragged me back down                                                                                           To the here and now                                                                                                                          What we have going on
Is ice-inducing rivers of tears that will cause                                                                              Floods of sorrow for many years

I do not understand
Why those in power hurt other people just because they can                                                 Commit crimes without repercussion                                                                                                We know who the real criminals are, there’s no discussion

Could hell be worse than the news today?                                                                                           Could heaven be further than a butterfly’s wing-beat away?
I’m not one to pray, but I’m praying

I pray for safety, health, happiness and freedom for all
I pray for the end of divisive walls                                                                                                 Walls of the mind lead to walls in space and time                                                                       Unconscionable walls without consciousness

I pray for consciousness to strike like lightning in the night                                                             So that those who abuse others will see the light                                                                            And the daily news
Will cease to be tragic enough to give a girl the blues                                                                   Until then, I’ll keep praying

I pray for all the unseen young little you’s:
Even though your family was ripped apart,                                                                                     Your heart is broken and the distance is far,                                                                              Please know that your parents love you                                                                                      There is no way to correct the wrong done unto you                                                                     No way to un-do the trauma
But your parents still love you                                                                                                            Can we print that in today’s news? Breaking headline: ‘Your Parents Still Love You’                                                     What these children are going through                                                                                          Will take a lifetime of healing                                                                                                        Which is why today I’m kneeling                                                                                                Praying for peace
Which is how I regain my own inner peace                                                                                        If only for a moment

Gem

Gem

In my youth I was broke and my spirit was also broken
The latter was the deeper poverty
With the inherent beauty of youth on my side
It was easy to fall down the rabbit-hole of craigslist
If you catch my gist
If you don’t, I’ll spell it out explicitly:

I sold my body to pay for basic needs: rent and food to eat
Before that, I went hungry and scavenged from trash
I didn’t feel great finishing the leftovers of rats
So when an ad asked for a young, open-minded, nice girl
To pose for photos, how could I say no?
The more ads I responded to, the more money I made
But also the more I got raped
Thinking of it, I dissociate

I gave sensual massages
I became Lola, Cindy, Ashley, and more
These were my names as a whore
I was marketed as a wholesome, all-American, girl-next-door
I jerked off some of the most powerful men in the world
My favorites were the ones who just wanted to talk
But they were few and far between
Far more common were the mentally ill, the coke-heads, the alcoholics, the men who wanted to use me for the things their wives and girlfriends refused: talking dirty, anal sex, deep-throating, role play and public humiliation

I was appalled to see how they spent money
On overpriced drinks, meals, hotel rooms and lingerie
I invested in high-heels and lacy underwear
And was exposed to the wide world of fetishes
They all came eventually
I felt so relieved when they did
Because it meant that my burning muscles could rest

The money flow was easy-come, easy-go
I am ashamed to admit that I spent frivolously
Justifying my purchase with the thought,
‘I’ll just jerk-off another man and earn more’

I wanted to give myself the things I had previously been denied, but it turns out that food doesn’t taste good when it is payed for with lies
I only wanted to give hand-jobs
But the men took from me what they wanted
I have a feeling they treat the whole world that way:
As a grounds for them to play and get their way without ever having to say that they are sorry for anything

I am sorry, body, for what I put you through
I am sorry, name, for changing you
Now I try to respect my body, and respect my name
Spiritually gardening everyday, I cultivate inner riches
My efforts bring a much higher yield than any other field
The spiritual realm is the ultimate gem