In Plain Sight

I spend a great deal of effort trying to act normal.

Long before I had words to explain it, I desperately tried to hide my autism, and still do. The only person I’ve told about my autism doesn’t believe me because of how seemingly successful I am.

I find making conversation difficult and deeply anxiety inducing no matter how much I learn, and I have learned a few things, albeit slowly.

I learned that parroting the words I heard other people say during previous conversations does not bode well, especially when I am confronted about these hand-me-down statements that I am unable to defend because they are neither my actual opinion, nor facts I am able to cite the sources for. Whenever this happens I feel ashamed, like I gave an incorrect answer to a test question in front of my peers, all of whom knew the right thing to say.

Likewise, trying to learn how to have a conversation from watching movies or TV doesn’t translate over into the real world, which is not scripted by rom-com writers. Turns out Prince Charming is a rapist and the mail man lost my dreams after I shipped them off without a tracking number.

Although many people share my insecurities, I still experience imposter syndrome regardless of the circumstances: whether with family, friends, children or strangers, I feel my face blush, my palms sweat, and my heart palpitate simply at the thought of interacting with other humans, yet I push through and carry on, dancing through life as if my feet are not in excruciating pain with every step.

I’m too anxious to let anyone know about my anxiety, about how it feels like an invisible handicap that pervades every moment. All I can do is love the struggle.

Bless This Suffering

Bless everything in your life

Bless every present moment

Every present moment is the most important in our lives

That is the secret for happiness

It is easy, if we remember it

Everything that happened to me I attracted, either consciously or unconsciously.

I own it, take responsibility

I transform my pain and suffering into love.

When I focus on love, crippling fear melts away

The universe wishes for our comfort

Feel how the Earth rises up to hold us, how the sky fills our lungs

Witness how all of creation collaborates to give us life

We don’t have to kill ourselves to survive, I had it backwards this whole time

Experience it for yourself: increase your faith, decrease your fear

Watch your happiness blossom open

To have it, you have to give it away

Bless the difficulty, discomfort and pain, and also the joy and bliss

Embrace your feelings

I bless this moment

I bless this suffering

Even when attacked by prickly people, the air I breathe stays peaceful, calm, and smooth

When shots are fired at my ego I feel the wound in my heart

I fight back tears, the dam of my eyes is filled to breaking

I used to try to heal before others noticed that I was hurt

I am learning to embrace my pain, hold it close to my heart, thank it for protecting me

The human experience is about gratitude and love

We must learn how to love the unpleasant moments, and own them

What we resist persists

We don’t have to struggle uphill all the time

We can let faith carry us

This was a significant revelation

I bow in humble gratitude to my angels