Now

I used to run with the boys

I was determined to prove that I had the biggest balls, that I could withstand it all

Until I couldn’t stand how near death my own ego brought me

When men bought me

I thought I was clawing my way out of poverty

But no amount of money can undo the trauma I endured

All I can do is rewire my brain

Write my story to have a happy ending

Starting with a happy now

I outran the boys and became a rich man so that I didn’t have to marry a rich man

Now I am happily married to the man of my dreams

I don’t ruffle my feathers over the penis-size competition at work- the self-stroking of egos which is habitual amongst my male colleagues

Though I am attracted to women, I’ve never had a penis

I’m ok with that- at least I’ve never raped anyone, never left anyone stressed about what they couldn’t see- STIs and pregnancy

I am happy now, as happy as can be after one has endured the smattering of battering my childhood gave me

I continued the chain of abuse on myself into adulthood, not realizing my own role in the game, not seeing how I invited abusers into my life

I’m getting off this trauma-train; I jump off the caboose, let it ride away without me

Next to the tracks, nestled in the woods, I am happy now

Flame

Your rage strikes my heart like a lightning bolt

Cracking it open and setting it afire
I am at a loss for what to do, so I warm my hands over the embers and wait
To transform, part of me must die
I cannot rush, only trust
How many times can one heart break?
As many times as it takes
To learn the sacred lessons
To consciously unite with the divine
Time and time again
Pain is pain, sensation is sensation
No matter the form or formal education
Lucid dreaming just before waking
I see a sea of broken hearts glowing in the dark
Each a floating lantern offered up
Burning with the same flame

Happiness Practice

There are lots of people in the world
And the kindest people I’ve met by far
Have been the humble

With our young hearts open wide
We went out into the night
Seeking adventure

Eyes shining in the moonlight
We easily saw delight
In all we found there

We hitchhiked across the countryside
And how we arrived
Only we know

It was once in a lifetime
Just like every moment
Even this one

I am fortunate to be inspired
To sing when my unknown desires
Fulfill to overflowing

If I didn’t feel the bliss in my palm
I’d miss it all without knowing

Sometimes my life has been all right
The best way to get through the night
Is to remain calm

Easier said than done
It is a practice
I practice all day long

The only time and place for happiness
Is here and now,
Respectively

Floating in the eye of the storm
I feel that I was born
To find this peace

The tapestry of my life
Though woven of hardship and strife
Adds up to a picture of great beauty

Because right here and now
Finally I feel
Happy, healthy and free

This is my humble wish
For all, big and small
Far and near to me