Mango Moment

This mango moment

So exciting and so free

Was like any other

Til you gave a mango to me

This mango moment

So juicy and so ripe

Was like any other

Til I took my first bite

This mango moment

Golden as sunshine

I want it all

I’ll even gnaw on the rind

This mango moment

Mangoes have appeal

I’m in the mood

And it’s mangoes I wanna feel

This mango moment

Dripping everywhere

Running down my fingers

And lingering in your hair

This mango moment

Sucking on the seed

Now I know

Mangoes fill my every need

This mango moment

Making mango juice so smooth

So dreamy and creamy

I think I love you

These Late Nights

These late nights stir up feelings of my youth, our youth

Of starlight and fallen leaves

Back when we had nothing more to do

Than run around blind, howl into the great unknown, and break our own hearts

These late nights are now so busy and exhausting

Back in our day, staying up late was what we lived for, instead of what drained the life out of us

We had to get creative to avoid stillness, instead of being in desperate need of tranquility amidst freneticism

My favorite moments were when we stopped our clatter and spoke through our hands in sweet silence

Until sunrise burned our eyes and melted us apart

Leaving unuttered words on my lips, I want to tell you still, but I won’t

Old habits

Our late nights together, a roaming pack of wild adolescents

Finding home in each other’s arms and the greatest thrill in the subtlest of movements

I try in vain to drown my memories of you with a new type of late nights

On call, roaming hospital halls

Inviting stress and the traumatic experiences it brings

Has anything changed?

No matter how many years I spend in training or how deep I plunge into the ocean of medical knowledge

You buoyantly float to my surface, shining brighter than life itself

Years of intensive study have not revealed the antidote for you

Countless classroom hours, yet no professor has lectured on relief from this affliction for which no doctor can write a prescription

I still want to see you by starlight and fallen leaves one of these late nights

Now my eyes flutter open to fluorescent lights

Surrounded by my patients, I wait with endless patience

Knowing that you and I will never share a late night again

Like my patients, all I can do is hope for relief or resolution

Ever searching for the solution

Many nights have passed since last we met

I rely on the stars and fallen leaves to whisper my love to you

Exquisitely exhausted, I try to let you go like the monk you told me about years ago who left the woman he carried across the river on the other side of the river

And yet, these late nights stir up memories of starlight and fallen leaves

I used to think you were the answer to all of my doubts

Now I know that what I need comes from within, not without

Snow globes

My Grandmother gave me four snow globes over the course of four winters

Each has a place on my shelf, frozen in time

When I look at them I am reminded of my Grandmother’s love, of that beating heart that gave it’s own blood to bear four children.

Each snow globe holds a lesson

One contains tropical fish swimming over ceramic coral; it reminds me to stay fluid, to keep moving forward in the face of obstacles

Another houses a castle; it reminds me to stay strong, stand firm and feel at home in my body

The third encases a wizard; it reminds me to stay open to the magic of the present moment

The fourth has a family of panda bears in it; it reminds me that I am connected to all living things

I used to have a fifth snow globe which contained a unicorn; it was smashed when I left it unattended, reminding me to take care of what I have

Sometimes I think about giving my snow globes away

They could have a new life and brighten a child’s day

For now, they stay

To the Men

In the middle of the night

Life catches up to me

My heart is both hunted and hunter, yet I stay in one place

None of these poems are about you

All of these poems are about you

Looking across the battlefield

I see many hearts, some still beating for me

Fallen soldiers, which way did your body land?

When I recognized that you did not serve my soul, I left you

I left you with respect and hoped the best for you

At least I do not call you spiteful names

Nor do I reject the lovely moments we shared

I do not fire hurtful words at you to make myself feel more powerful

Even as you show me how small your mind is

Mi Hija

My daughter

I don’t want you to suffer as much as I have suffered

I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made

There will come times that you will feel afraid, exhausted, irate or heartbroken

Though your heart may break, you are unbreakable

Human flesh is soft but your spirit is strong, stronger than you know in this moment

There will come times that you will be tested and you will challenge yourself

There will be times that you will have to forgive

Set yourself free from loathing

To love is to live

Don’t work too much

Allow time for yourself and those important to you

Mi hija

I loved you before you were born, and I will love you even after I die

I want you to live deeply, to know true love and friendship

I want you to feel safe and supported by life

You can accomplish what you set out to do

This is especially true because you are mi hija

I know well that you will suffer because of this life I gave you

You will feel pain, bleed, and at times perhaps wish that I hadn’t brought you into this world

Forgive me, mi hija

This Earth is so beautiful, I wanted to share it with you

In attempting to create a happy childhood for you, I wanted to correct the wrongs committed by my parents

I want to impart on the future what I learned from the past

I want to break the pattern of intergenerational trauma, to heal my heart and our family with the love I pour into you

Life is not easy, mi hija, but I hope you will find it is worth the struggle

I’ve loved you since before you came into my life, and I will love you long after I am gone from yours

I’ve been writing these words with my life for you, in hopes that the mistakes I’ve made will prevent unnecessary suffering in your life.

If our foremothers could have left us a message, I wonder if it would have sounded like this.

I’ve been waiting so long just to meet you, with too much patience and self-sacrifice.

Any attempt to put into words what I feel for you will fall short, but I must try anyway.

Even when it seems that your efforts are in vain, do the right thing anyway

The right thing is that which brings you peace inside

That inner stillness can be difficult to notice when life gets loud and the noisy justifications of the mind drown out the truth of the heart

The happiest people I know listen closely to that quietness and follow their bliss, which aligns with love

It takes practice and I am still learning

I hope you learn it too, so that your life is rich with joy

I want you to live deeply, to know that no matter what you dedicate your time to, you can find meaning in it

I want you to know true love and friendship, to know that life supports you and wants you to flourish

You can accomplish whatever you set out to do

In your life you will feel pain, fear, anxiety, disappointment, exhaustion, frustrated, irate, sad, humiliated and heartbroken. Life is inseparable from suffering; it is part of the gift.

Forgive me for those times, there is no forcefield of love I can put around you to protect you

Though your heart may break, you are unbreakable

Your human body is soft but your spirit is strong, stronger than you know.

Every moment is a gift, what you choose to do with that gift is up to you, beginning with your thoughts

If you think that you are never wrong, you are wrong

Don’t believe everything you think

If you are guessing what other people might be thinking, odds are you are far from accurate

If you find your mind worrying, let the worry go

Worrying robs peace from the present, and we can never get that moment back

Worry stems from fear- what are you afraid of? You are loved and worthy, little one.

Think before you speak

Never say anything about anyway, including yourself, that you would not want the whole world to hear

May you live your life in such a way that you have nothing to hide

I want you to be so grateful for your life that you forget to complain

May you use intention when deciding where to shine your attention

There will be times that you will have to forgive yourself and others to free yourself from resentment and move on to enjoy life to the fullest

To love is to live and human relationships will teach you have to love more completely, which isn’t always easy, but it helps you grow that you may live more completely

Don’t expect any one person to satisfy all your needs, nor expect yourself to satisfy the needs of any one person

Don’t work too much, allow time to honor yourself and the people you love

We may not have met yet, but I have a feeling you will have a great ability to love, forgive, learn, create

What you may not know is how much you will be able to do what you are afraid to do, to speak even when your voice shakes

Don’t let anyone steal your spirit

Not everything is known and you don’t have to know all that is known

Whenever you are not sure what to do, take a deep breath and remember that there is enough air for you to breathe, enough earth to hold and nourish you, enough time for you to live and enough space for you to run, dance and explore this world

I know you love adventure, but before you venture out ask yourself what you would want your daughter to do?

Do not compromise your safety to save a few minutes or a few dollars

The sooner you deflate your ego to a healthy size, the easier you will fit through doorways

Don’t believe any label others try to put on you

Life is too precious to spend time acting surprised that humans make mistakes, the value in it is to keep improving, learning, growing

Empathy and compassion are always possible

To take care of your body, treat it as if today is the only day you will have to honor it. This will lead to many days of beaming health.

You life is a story you write and I hope you have many fulfilling experiences to remember

I want you to know that you are loved your whole life through

Keep on shining

Sea Change

You came in like a whale

Mapless, I didn’t know where you’d been or where you were headed

Your eyes held the treasures you’d seen and the mermaids you’d befriended

From first sight, you were all I could see- you filled my eyes until they overflowed

I felt so fortunate to behold you, if only for a moment

Your appearance above the surface seemed to be for me alone

I blinked and you crashed back into the depths, upsetting my little boat

The commotion stirred by your momentum smashed me to pieces

I’m still picking them up

You deftly moved on to a far away ocean, perhaps without knowing the wreckage left in your wake

Perhaps you never saw me

Yet my love for you remains deeper than the sea

I wait and watch the horizon, hoping to the moon that the tides will bring you back to me

Though you are not mine to have

Only in my heart could I contain something so much larger than myself

Fairytale

The story of the love of my life was like a fairytale

I followed the promise of the afternoon breeze right to my love

On our first date we went for a walk on a winding, icy path through the woods, during which I fell into his arms repeatedly

The pull into each other’s gravity was too strong to overcome

I got knocked up right away

We planned it that way

But it didn’t stay

I was sick with fatigue, nausea, and depression and didn’t have the time or money to have a baby

I thought he would step up to the role of a caretaker but he had his own self-imposed obligations

Not a day went by that he didn’t lose his phone or his wallet, how could I raise a kid with him?

No one, not even him, supported me the way I needed

As soon as the abortion was scheduled I joined a dating app

Still pregnant, I went for picnics in the park with strangers and drank homemade sangria which had warmed in the afternoon sun

A few bad dates later and my sanity returned to me in the clarity of my non-pregnant state,

I realized that he was actually pretty great

Sure, he didn’t own the condo or the SUV and wasn’t offering me the lifetime of security that the dating app men were, but he felt right to me

So we got back together

I cheated on him once while he was out of town and I was planning on breaking up with him when he returned, except I didn’t

I think I will feel ashamed of my misdeeds my whole life

Then we got engaged, married, and I am pregnant again, except now with more time, money and support than before

He no longer loses important things

We are living happily ever after

Except for every time he rehashes the past

Which is too often

I don’t want to talk about every sexual act I’ve ever done with a man, yet he harps on the topic

I wish I hadn’t created such a horror film of a life

I’m trying to sculpt a happier future

For me and the little one

I keep thinking I will stop swearing and start glowing

Holy shit, I’m pregnant

Although I am wary of parenting because my own childhood was awful

I will do a better job than my parents

Every day is my happy ending

Heart Breathing

Breathing through my heart I expand across water and land

My golden light illuminates the darkest night, my moon rise ripples into infinity

I felt your pain and recognized it as my own

For the longest time I had a bitter grip on anger and anger had a bitter grip on me

Anger hardened my heart, kept it rigid, impenetrable. Anger was trying to protect me

Long ago I built a fortress around my heart and peered through the cracks with fearful eyes

No one could cross my mote- the bleeding hearts of potential suitors were strewn all around

I realize now that the problem wasn’t with them, it was with me; I was stuck in a rut of unhealthy patterns

I can unbuild what I built for survival long ago, I can rip up weeds and plant new seeds

I can create a space where I feel safe, where I am able to love those who scare me because they show that they are hurting, even blame me for their feelings

Why should I be afraid of fear, when we are so well acquainted?

Breathing through my heart, I am carried by the gentle breeze

This is enough- I don’t have to solve all the problems in one day

Heart breathing, problems melt away and are transformed into love

Cup

This is it, the big one

The debridement of my most primordial wound

Dissection of what my parents did and didn’t do

Releasing us both from the impossible task of fulfilling each other’s expectations

Seeing them for the first time as the narcissists they are

Pretending to love me only when I made them look good

Spitting on me with their words and crushing me under the boots of their ego when I was hurting

When I needed them most they abandoned me

Like childish bullies, they took no responsibility for themselves or others

I’ve turned my face to them time and time again looking for love, searching in vain, coming up short

They refuse to see the parts of me that they don’t want to

My father told me I was flabby and looked like a monster when I was 15 years old

I subsisted on a high-glycemic diet stolen from my workplace because there wasn’t enough food at home, which resulted in weight gain and horrendous acne

I didn’t see my father for what he was; a negligent parent and an asshole.

Instead I wallowed in sorrow for my innate deficiencies, contemplated suicide because I wasn’t beautiful enough

Don’t worry Dad, I was still attractive enough to get raped enough times to lose count

As if you care

I can’t imagine treating my child the way you treat me

Lord, help these wounds heal

I am ready to move on, to break the inter-generational chain of toxic parenting

To write a new song instead of the broken-record of your critical dialogue

You can live your life in crisis mode, but don’t impose your crises on me anymore.

You imprinted your patterns of anxiety on my developing body and brain

I felt the need to gain the gushing approval of everyone around me

To be the smartest, prettiest and most accomplished in the room

I made many men swoon

I don’t need that anymore

Take your booze and do with it what you will

My cup is full

I depend on no man to keep it filled

Reality

You’re creeping on my heart

Changing my reality

When did you start moving in

Did you ask me

When will you pick up after yourself

You’re changing my reality

Fast-forward a year or two

I’ve grown to accept you

I’d still like you to clean up your mess

You’ve changed my reality

I care about you as a person, and how you treat me as a person

I don’t mind your broke down truck or your empty wallet

We are rich in love

We are supported by a foundation of spiritual love

Thank you for changing my reality