Garden State of Mind

You’re in luck

Cuz I’m DTF

I keep it confidential that I’m full of potential

Potential STIs from random guys

I’ve got that garden state of mind

Jersey holds an eternal flame

The smoldering scent of gasoline, burning tires and disappointment

Always, always too much heartbreak

I’m only passing through

I never meant to find what I seek in you

These Late Nights

These late nights stir up feelings of my youth, our youth

Of starlight and fallen leaves

Back when we had nothing more to do

Than run around blind, howl into the great unknown, and break our own hearts

These late nights are now so busy and exhausting

Back in our day, staying up late was what we lived for, instead of what drained the life out of us

We had to get creative to avoid stillness, instead of being in desperate need of tranquility amidst freneticism

My favorite moments were when we stopped our clatter and spoke through our hands in sweet silence

Until sunrise burned our eyes and melted us apart

Leaving unuttered words on my lips, I want to tell you still, but I won’t

Old habits

Our late nights together, a roaming pack of wild adolescents

Finding home in each other’s arms and the greatest thrill in the subtlest of movements

I try in vain to drown my memories of you with a new type of late nights

On call, roaming hospital halls

Inviting stress and the traumatic experiences it brings

Has anything changed?

No matter how many years I spend in training or how deep I plunge into the ocean of medical knowledge

You buoyantly float to my surface, shining brighter than life itself

Years of intensive study have not revealed the antidote for you

Countless classroom hours, yet no professor has lectured on relief from this affliction for which no doctor can write a prescription

I still want to see you by starlight and fallen leaves one of these late nights

Now my eyes flutter open to fluorescent lights

Surrounded by my patients, I wait with endless patience

Knowing that you and I will never share a late night again

Like my patients, all I can do is hope for relief or resolution

Ever searching for the solution

Many nights have passed since last we met

I rely on the stars and fallen leaves to whisper my love to you

Exquisitely exhausted, I try to let you go like the monk you told me about years ago who left the woman he carried across the river on the other side of the river

And yet, these late nights stir up memories of starlight and fallen leaves

I used to think you were the answer to all of my doubts

Now I know that what I need comes from within, not without

To the Men

In the middle of the night

Life catches up to me

My heart is both hunted and hunter, yet I stay in one place

None of these poems are about you

All of these poems are about you

Looking across the battlefield

I see many hearts, some still beating for me

Fallen soldiers, which way did your body land?

When I recognized that you did not serve my soul, I left you

I left you with respect and hoped the best for you

At least I do not call you spiteful names

Nor do I reject the lovely moments we shared

I do not fire hurtful words at you to make myself feel more powerful

Even as you show me how small your mind is

Mi Hija

My daughter

I don’t want you to suffer as much as I have suffered

I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made

There will come times that you will feel afraid, exhausted, irate or heartbroken

Though your heart may break, you are unbreakable

Human flesh is soft but your spirit is strong, stronger than you know in this moment

There will come times that you will be tested and you will challenge yourself

There will be times that you will have to forgive

Set yourself free from loathing

To love is to live

Don’t work too much

Allow time for yourself and those important to you

Mi hija

I loved you before you were born, and I will love you even after I die

I want you to live deeply, to know true love and friendship

I want you to feel safe and supported by life

You can accomplish what you set out to do

This is especially true because you are mi hija

I know well that you will suffer because of this life I gave you

You will feel pain, bleed, and at times perhaps wish that I hadn’t brought you into this world

Forgive me, mi hija

This Earth is so beautiful, I wanted to share it with you

In attempting to create a happy childhood for you, I wanted to correct the wrongs committed by my parents

I want to impart on the future what I learned from the past

I want to break the pattern of intergenerational trauma, to heal my heart and our family with the love I pour into you

Life is not easy, mi hija, but I hope you will find it is worth the struggle

Sea Change

You came in like a whale

Mapless, I didn’t know where you’d been or where you were headed

Your eyes held the treasures you’d seen and the mermaids you’d befriended

From first sight, you were all I could see- you filled my eyes until they overflowed

I felt so fortunate to behold you, if only for a moment

Your appearance above the surface seemed to be for me alone

I blinked and you crashed back into the depths, upsetting my little boat

The commotion stirred by your momentum smashed me to pieces

I’m still picking them up

You deftly moved on to a far away ocean, perhaps without knowing the wreckage left in your wake

Perhaps you never saw me

Yet my love for you remains deeper than the sea

I wait and watch the horizon, hoping to the moon that the tides will bring you back to me

Though you are not mine to have

Only in my heart could I contain something so much larger than myself

Rip

How do I rip myself from you?

You who I’ve given so many years to.

How do I rip myself from you?

You who I’ve give so many tears to.

How do I separate my voice from yours?

How do I separate my mind from yours?

How do I separate my body from yours?

We shared so many things, we even got up to sing in front of the whole world.

You were my guy, I was your girl

How do I rip myself from you?

I’m all black and blue trying to rip myself from you.

You and I had insatiable appetites

For good times and long fights

Adventure called and we always heeded it.

We made love, so much love

We just couldn’t beat it

Even though we were up all night

And all day

We couldn’t keep our dissatisfaction at bay

I could never satisfy you

You could never satisfy me

Here we are, at last far from one another

Yet I still feel you inside me

I still feel you beside me

I feel your hands in my empty hands

I don’t understand

What good will it do

To remain wrapped up in you

When I could never satisfy you

And you could never satisfy me

How Long

I’m trying hard to live without you

You’ve got this gentle way about you

I’m trying hard, but you’re so far

For many years, I’ve cried these tears

I’m trying hard to live without you

But you’ve got this gentle way about your love, dear

I want you near

You’ve been so far for so long

So I wrote you this sad song, dear

How much longer dear

Will you be gone

Carnival

Welcome to the carnival

I offer all manner of novelties to delight you
Are your thoughts as wild as a flying trapeze?
I’ve got pills to set your mind at ease
Does your heart feel like it has been trampled by an elephant?
You don’t need to use booze to get bent
I’ll flood your blood with chemical love and adjust the dose to fit like a glove
I’ve perfected my performance to be your ideal physician despite my perpetual exhaustion, hanger and burn out
Ignoring my own pain as I eliminate yours
Neither one of us is listening to the sacred wisdom of our bodies
I suffer long and hard so that you don’t have to feel a thing
In my side-show alley you’ll see that if you want more than an endless stream of candy refills, if you want me to be your shaman instead of your drug dealer, at any time you can feel your feelings instead of suppress them
Take a plunge from the high dive on the wild horse of your unmedicated body
Hear your healing lion’s roar
Let your self-expression soar
Allow yourself to fall into the safety net of the universe
Trust that you belong, that you are a star just as you are
Juggle fire and meet yourself with humor when gravity makes its presence known
Allow yourself to be shot from the cannon of self-doubt, trusting that you will be ok
If healing is a series of flaming hoops
The transformative way out is through
Show yourself what you can do
Dance to uplifting music every day
Cultivate strength and flexibility in body and brain
Remind yourself it is normal to feel insane
In this seemingly crazy world, only you can take the reins
Be the ringleader of your life
It ain’t me, babe
Though I have the hard-won power to prescribe the goodies you crave
To be in control of ourselves we must give up control of everything else
Welcome to the big time
The show can’t go on without you
I applaud you
My eyes are open to witness your marvels and miracles

Flame

Your rage strikes my heart like a lightning bolt

Cracking it open and setting it afire
I am at a loss for what to do, so I warm my hands over the embers and wait
To transform, part of me must die
I cannot rush, only trust
How many times can one heart break?
As many times as it takes
To learn the sacred lessons
To consciously unite with the divine
Time and time again
Pain is pain, sensation is sensation
No matter the form or formal education
Lucid dreaming just before waking
I see a sea of broken hearts glowing in the dark
Each a floating lantern offered up
Burning with the same flame