Field

In the field beyond words

Our spirits meet

I’m not too blinded by the light to see your energy and delight in the way the wildflowers sway with us

Physically, I am bound in this life

In spirit, I am boundless

That field beyond words is our playground, filled with passion and joy, gratitude and care

It is easy for relationships to seem perfect when they aren’t actually happening

I wonder if you have a sense of my spirit’s desire to bond with yours

I used to think all beings were one spirit, but it is more fun to flirt with another than with self

I used to take for granted that a spirit bond was enough, then I lost the one I loved

His absence taught me the importance of being there, of showing up

I stand here in the field with so much love to share

Super Moon

I ran outside to see the super moon

My eyes caught only fire flies, and that’s when I realized

Like the moon, we are all mirrors for the sun, specks of stardust

I ran outside holding withered roses, cursing the thorns in my haste

That is when I tasted the truth that my lips don’t only produce diamonds and flowers, but toads and vipers too

I was only kidding myself that just because I act selfless, doesn’t mean I don’t have selfish desires

Narcissism is the sharpest edge of the empathic knife with which I forge through life

If I didn’t possess any of those qualities, how could I have attracted those types to me?

With renewed gratitude, I love my humble husband

The only thing he fills my hands with are his own, and that is enough

After the last dish was washed I ran outside, overwhelmed with anger and grief for what I cannot undo

I struck a chair pose, sitting into my discomfort until my thighs burned and my mind emptied and my excess energy evaporated upward, toward the super moon

Falls on Her

The weight of the world falls on her shoulders

She must be strong because no one else will do what needs to be done

No one is coming to rescue her

She imagines her life with someone else and doubts it would be much better, though she knows it could be worse

She’s already walked through hellfire again and again and kept her cool, more or less

She pulls energy out of the depths of her exhaustion

If a woman’s work is trivial enough to remain unacknowledged and uncompensated, why can’t men do it?

It falls on her

Her body bears uncounted molestations and rapes

Scores of sexual harassments inhabit the confines of her memory

Her brain is bruised from hitting the glass ceiling of sexism early and often

She upholds the same world which holds her down

She grows life, labors and births it, gives her life to raise the future of our species with limitless love and forgiveness

Can she forgive herself for sacrificing to the point of self harm

Can she learn how to love herself and put herself first, or at least not dead last every time

It falls on her to teach herself unconditional love

She must break through the plastered facade of perfection which first protected her but then imprisoned her, revealing her tired yet tireless shoulders finally ready to rest

I’ve let it all fall on me, but I am ready to shake off my load and give to the Earth, give it to God

As above, so below

As within, so without

Without her, the world would fall down

She doesn’t drop it because picking it back up again is harder than holding her ground

She knows she is the one

Anxiety, Again

It happened again.

Anxiety wrapped me up so tightly I must untangle myself with scribbles that you are kind enough to read.

Socializing leaves me aching with regret for the words I said wrong and the words I didn’t say.

I feel like a failure, even though I know that is a harsh conclusion, I feel it still.

I feel inept, like no matter what I do I won’t ever feel comfortable in social situations.

Even though I have undiagnosed autism spectrum disorder, as is more common in females. Even though I have worked painfully hard to hide my differentness, my social awkwardness rarely stays below ground for long.

In the game of whac-a-mole, the moles keep popping up no matter how many I whack.

Self-love, self-compassion, forgiveness, humor, perspective, reassurance that I belong in this human family, in this world, that I am enough, that I am worthy of love, as we all are: these are the treasures I have gathered along my journey.

These are the treasures I hope you find and cherish as well. They must be carefully cultivated, nourished and loved.

May you feel nourished and loved.

May you rest on the shores of peace.

Inhale what you need. Exhale what is no longer serving you.

All is well, even when we are under cloud cover, the clear sky remains above all.

For the duration of my whole life, the sun has never stopped shining- there were only times that I couldn’t see it.

The moon is a reminder of what I don’t see.

Maybe everybody feels this way sometimes, and it is normal and ok.

May I remember that I am blessed beyond measure even during the uncomfortable moments of this human journey.

Storms will rise, then pass.

May my breath be my anchor to weather me through until I see the sky of blue again.

Light Reading

Quotes worth sharing, found along the journey, I bow in gratitude to the sages:

If you want to be enlightened, you’ve got to lighten up

You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop

Do not wait for the last judgement, it takes place every day

Joy is what happens when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are

Listen to your life. All moments are key moments

There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way

Who cares if you’re enlightened forever? Can you just get it in this moment, now?

I swear to you there are divine things more beautiful than words can tell

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Make a gift of your life and lift all mankind by being considerate, forgiving and compassionate at all times, in all places, and under all conditions with everyone as well as yourself. This is the greatest gift anyone can give.

When you judge another, your do not define them, you define yourself.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

The care you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek

Eternity is not the hereafter, this is it. If you don’t get it here, you won’t get it anywhere.

If you want to find God, hang out in the space between your thoughts.

There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. You seek problems because you need their gifts.

Why are we born? Why do we die? Life has no meaning except for the meaning that we give it.

First do no harm to yourself

Live well

You can’t hurry love…or speed it up

Don’t work or study every day

Relinquish your need to be right. This is the single greatest cause of difficulties and deterioration in relations. The spiritual partnership is a relationship of equals. No one needs to be proved wrong.

You can’t hate a fire for burning you

Even after all this time, the sun never says to the moon ‘You owe me’. You see what happens with a love like that? It lights up the sky.

I am only responsible for my own heart. You offered yours up for the smashing. Only a fool would offer up such a vital organ. May we all earn wisdom in this life.

Oh God of dust and rainbows let us see that without the dust the rainbows would not be.

Nothing Wrong

I giggle at the absurdity of my efforts

Why do I try to fit in with people I don’t like?

Like my racist family, or my manipulative patients who mirror in my professional life the horrors of my personal life, recreating the dynamic of my childhood and toxic relationships with exes

I have a habit of keeping myself safe, my survival instinct is strong, so I play along

But basta, ya- enough already

I only wish that their threats of suicide were real

That may sound cold, but that’s how I feel

This script is getting old, I want a new reel

I wonder how they’d fare on a desert island like me

No one to react to their drama, would they sit silently under a tree?

Growing up there was always a crisis at home

How lovely to realize

There is nothing wrong

Liberation is hard-won, yet occurs in an instant

I hope you catch it before you are nonexistent

Womanly Body

I move my womanly body- sway my hips, shake my coccyx

‘I’m dancing like a little girl’ I judge myself half-jokingly

I once again feel like that terrified child- the skinny, shy girl of my youth. I tell myself that I am safe now, even if I don’t believe it

Back in the now; I am a full-grown woman in the prime of her life, albeit a late bloomer

Practicing gentle loving-kindness towards self, cultivating vibrancy

My uterus is a powerful creative cauldron, and I’m due to brew up something magical

In a flash I am an elder, a medicine woman with a wrinkle on her face for each hard-won ripple of wisdom

Knitting in a rocking chair on my porch, with a subtle smile and a twinkle in my eye

Though I do not yet have a rocking chair, nor do I know how to knit

Perhaps I should learn how to knit

No- I knit words instead of wool

Though what I want to impart to future generations is beyond words

I do not know if my body will live to the elder age of my imagined older self

Lord, let me not take my life or health for granted

Lord, be with the hurting children

May they survive their childhoods to heal themselves and serve as beacons of hope for the hurting

We are all hurting

I embody hurting and healing in my womanly body

The Point

I found a years-old grocery receipt with the following message I’d scribbled on it:

The point of life is to become enlightened, again and again.

For me, the quick and easy way to become enlightened is to suffer beyond words to the point that my ego splits open and divine light pours in.

Every time I arrive, I bow to my suffering in gratitude.

I remember that what I had grappled and struggled with was actually on my side the whole time.

When I arrive at enlightenment, for a moment, I know peace

Then the journey starts again, like bringing my awareness back to my breath, most of the time I am unconscious of the miracle that flows through me.

Perhaps suffering is not necessary, however it seems to be a catalyst; speeding up the process.

I want to hug the whole world, wrap it in a hand-knit sweater

To those who feel sick, I hope you feel better.

I want the glow in my heart to grow and light up the dark.

I’m glad I kept that receipt

I could frequently benefit from a reminder about what the point is

It is most difficult to remember when I am surrounded by those who cling steadfast to their self-centered identities, awash in all sorts of drama, trying at every angle to drag me into their mire

I pray they will know enlightenment, even if for a moment, someday

I pray that I will know enlightenment, even if for a moment, today

She

She scratches her secrets on the dark side of the moon

When she bends her bones she can make any man swoon

Old habits die hard but she is learning to live softly

She sweeps fear away with thoughts large and lofty

She dreams of peace for all and peace within

She drinks from the oasis hidden in the desert of her skin

Only she knows the truth she has lived

Darker than the night sky

Are the ripples held between her thighs

She hides them deeper than the sea’s sigh

Dredging up salt with her tears cried

She sees beyond the sight of man’s eyes

Her blood is her sacrifice

The fire in her heart melts ice

If you think this rhyme is simple like plain rice

Just come closer, you can taste her spice

Lotus

Anxieties and worries

Crowd around me in the dark

I dissolve them by sending breath to

My blossoming lotus heart

Each thought is another petal

Adorning a loving heart more precious than metal

Transformed by new perspective and watered by sacred tears

My lotus grows without limit, fertilized by fear

I invite anxiety in for tea

Faithful friend, you must be growing weary working all the time

Why settle for nettles when fruit is ripe on the vine

I thank you for your service and put you at ease with this rhyme