- No fighting
- No bad sex or pressure to have sex when you don’t want to
- No wasting time, money or energy on somebody who only gives you grief
I was on my 24th consecutive hour of work; sweaty, hungry, dehydrated, and raggedly exhausted when a patient walked into the urgent consult office where I was posted on call, sat down and said:
‘A long time ago, you fell in love with someone who was not as in love with you, and for that, you suffered a lot.’
I was the clinician, yet without asking a single question he arrived at an accurate diagnosis of my neurosis: perpetual heartbreak.
I felt somewhat violated when he proceeded to tell me that I had one birthmark on my upper thigh and another under my breast, and that I should take off my clothing and show him. He wasn’t spot-on about the birthmarks, but he was correct about the heartbreak. Maybe we all have heartbreak in our pasts, but he really got me when he asked, ‘Are you still suffering?’.
If the imprints on my energetic field from that loss of love are obvious enough for some rando creep to read them like a news headline, I want to change the vibe I’m giving off.
I was still suffering, and in trying to escape my suffering I became a physician, hoping that the overwhelming process of medical training would take my attention away my broken heart- a treatment that provided a temporary distraction at best, but not a cure.
Now with spiritual healing on a level even deeper than heart break and reciprocated love in my life, I am still suffering, but less so.
Are you upset because you feel that you gave too much, darling?
Too much love and affection, only to end in rejection?
Too much energy and time, too much of your body and mind, did you spend too many of your dimes?
Too many gifts, too many kisses?
You were too much for me
I risked my life for you, with every imposed act of unprotected sex
Your arms were prison bars to me, your body was a wall I couldn’t make fall
Finally free with the help of geography, I set to work separating you from me
I told you so many times that your love was toxic for me
You cared only for yourself, I was an object on your shelf
We both gave up the chance to be with dozens of other lovers
I gave you the best years of my life and you riddled them with strife
I thank you for all of that, even though being trapped in an unhealthy relationship damn near killed me
You were my drinking buddy and my drunk enemy
You never kept the peace for long
A loud grievance about how the world did you wrong was perpetually erupting
Despite the fact that you were a spoiled, silver spoon over-fed blond haired, blue-eyed white American male
Honey, your complaining is still ringing in my ears
You gave me the time of my life, never after
Our friends went out of their way to keep us apart because the damage we caused each other was so painful for them to watch
Our approaches to life are opposite
I ask what I can give
You ask what you can take
No wonder you were so fond of me
You want without end
I could never satisfy you
I am at peace now, and I wish the same for you
I no longer feel torn by my simultaneous love and loathing for you
I feel only grateful to have survived our relationship
It was almost too much
The more I try to keep the peace in my life, the more wartime volcanoes erupt.
Why do I try to appease assholes, even if they are family?
Lord, let me focus on the people who are a source of positive support in my life.
Let me soften into self-acceptance instead of trying to force my life, instead of coercing others into accepting me by acting the way I think they want me to act, live from authenticity instead of fear.
I’ve got my own diseases to cure
Starting with anxiety and depression which resulted from being crushed by drama giants all my life, leaving no room for me to be- I survived my formative years barely breathing
I am bigger now, though I don’t yet believe it
I feel thunder clouds roll in
Lighting cracks my core
Embodying tragedy and comedy, I’m not sure which will win in the end
Secretly suicidal my whole life, struggling through- expression of my emotions was not allowed at home
I scurried to pick up the shards of my parent’s and older sibling’s emotions like so many pieces of the dishes and furniture they broke
I thought it was my fault, if I could just be more perfect all of the time, if I could more accurately read their volatile minds…
It was a smash
Glue couldn’t hold us together
I swallowed my truth and am choking still
Jesus, Great Spirit, I find peace in your warm light
Please be with my family, may they know peace
May they stop shouting at me long enough to consider how I feel
I know that is too much to ask
They were never interested in me, only in what I could be in relation to them- conform to their demands or die
I never had an identity of my own to lose
I existed purely to please those around me
I feel an energetic shift and for a moment I crack open
A million butterflies pour out
The battle within me rages- fighting for my energy against the vortex of my human family
My tiger has been caged too long and is ready to roar, to chew out instead of get chewed out, speak instead of exclusively listen, insult instead of receive insults, dish out what I have been served
But I don’t want to be like them
I want to set my tiger free, transform my energy, practice forgiveness not to condone but to reclaim my energy as my own
My healer recommended that I meditate on the image that I am a fly on the wall witnessing their meltdown
In my meditation, I am a butterfly
This is a lifelong practice
The burden is massive and heavy
To the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders
I bow in gratitude to ancient wisdom
I want to defend myself without attacking, state the facts without accusation
The grinches who stole my life don’t have to steal it anymore, I alone hold the key to my jail cell door
When will I run out of people to hurt?
Perhaps when I run out of people to hurt me
I feel crushed by a ton of rocks- the blows of their words
I meditate on the image of the rocks floating above me, dissolving into sand and falling to the floor
Maybe if I blast you out of my head I can finally be free from this family when I’m dead
I feel deflated but not defeated, battered but not beat
No matter how much self-work I’ve done or awareness I’ve gained, no matter how many workshops I’ve attended, healing sessions I’ve received, supplements I’ve swallowed, books I’ve read to stop taking on other people’s energy, to empower myself as an empath and a highly sensitive person, I am still destroyed by energy vampires- my old survival mechanism to read the room and right the wrongs, but I can’t make you happy, fam. Why do I try? Why was this ever the expectation?
You say you are unhappy and hurt by me: welcome to my world, welcome to life as a human
It is OK to feel hurt- I feel hurt by you most of the time
Do you have any idea how much unhappiness and hurt you’ve been the source of that I didn’t express because I’d only get more beat-downs and rejection if I did, Mom?
It comes to blows, and I’m home
Full-blown crisis mode, no longer communicating by phone
You say the disrespect is unforgivable
I don’t need you to forgive me- that is your burden
In my life I’ve got plenty to forgive you for
I’ve learned many sacred lessons from the pain you inflicted on me
Maybe it is time I return the favor
Alan Watts asks what I would do if I had the power to dream any dream I wanted to
Just like when I’m sleeping, I will escape this nightmare about you by lucid dreaming
I will practice sending your energy back to you, again and again
Even if it takes my whole life
I forgive you, for you know not what you do
Up until now I’ve felt sorry for myself for having you as my mother
Now I just feel sorry for you for being trapped inside yourself your whole life
Walk your path- I’m not gonna stop ya
I’ll keep shining love like a bodhisattva
I’m OK with no longer growing fat from your toxic larder
Staying angry is easy, forgiving is harder
I visualize fear in my body- a pale yellow space in my abdomen where my third-chakra should be. Fear is the hole through which the wind blows; the whims of others buffeting my core unapologetically as I give my power away with barely a hesitation.
I breathe into this space not to exhale my fear, but to join my breath with fear and thus transform fear into power.
The yellow acquires rich undertones and depth as it ripens and becomes full-bodied. My insecurity becomes my empowerment. My fear is my friend, not my foe.
I feel my strength take form, self-protection armed with experience, primed to use fear as fuel
Though I fail every day at saying no, I keep trying
I do not retreat from the world
Though I have not yet put words to my fear, I study it
My frozen mouth thaws around radical words like:
My feelings matter, my health matters, my time matters, my sleep matters, my sense of safety matters
I soak up the golden yellow light, burn some sage and turn the page
The world wants young women to remain untouched, yet everybody wants a bite of my apple.
Decades after the act, I calmly consider filing a lawsuit against a classmate who raped me in high school. I learned this from you, America. Though there were countless violations on my body by unnumbered people throughout my life, he might be the one person I could track down in my small hometown.
I’d rather talk it out, let him know how hurt and disappointed I felt, and ask him to kindly make a donation to my charitable organization, without involving lawyers.
I’ve heard it said that there comes a time in every relationship when you will have to forgive, and I do. Yet I still doubt that I will receive forgiveness from others.
‘How will he ever forgive you?’ asked the abortion clinic worker when I told her that I hadn’t informed my partner of my plan to terminate the pregnancy. She listed the procedure steps while I pretended that I hadn’t received two previous abortions, acted like I wasn’t a medical doctor. I always play dumb.
The weight on my chest is hard to sustain, crushed by the burden of the guilt I maintain. I endured excruciating pain to try to avoid womanly shame. Perhaps my effort was in vain.
‘Think 10,000 times before you write something down’ said the Guru to the crowd. I felt like she was talking to me, though I knew that I would keep writing, despite her sage advice.
I can speed read but I prefer to savor the words on my tongue like I’m a sommelier tasting a fine wine. I read to gather knowledge to orchestrate my epigenetics and retrain my brain:
I inherited from my Dad the ability to work hard yet remain helplessly poor, both the hero and the victim, riding the complain train in circles, never catching a break or a taking a breath.
My mom taught me to neglect and abuse myself, and let others do the same. Nauseating silent car rides were punctuated by explosive anger- the only emotion she ever expressed to me. She taught me that my survival was dependent on being what others wanted me to be, and I must always smile.
Throughout my life I have sacrificed myself, let the predator humans feed on my energy and body. I keep hoping that if I just give them enough they will be satisfied, yet the more I give the hungrier they get and the more they demand. I stay soft and sweet under their bitter bite, as I wear a maddening smile I can’t shake and continue with trauma-informed communication even as I am traumatized.
I hide my unhealthy habits on the dark side of the moon- sex, sugar, and workaholism. Yet I am building my medicine kit, healing myself. My tiger tongue remains trapped in the tiny cage of my teeth.
Even when the worst happens, how fortunate I am to have had abundant opportunities to prepare, to demonstrate resilient strength and flexibility, to remember that I am safe, loved, and cared for by forces both seen and unseen.
Why is it that male energy becomes irritable under stress?
Are you incapable of being kind, of grace under pressure?
Do you feel threatened? Is that why you behave as if you are under attack?
Your judgmental words hit me like blows, sending me under duress against my behest
Blindsiding me at this hour.
Head spinning, I try to cry but still feel too surprised
Why are you so rude?
I have compassion for you
It isn’t easy carrying a killer beehive in your throat
The constant pressure to be perfect I know all too well, it’s a personal hell
You look down on me; an easy target for your stinging, patronizing critiques
I don’t think your motivational interviewing classes are working
Think of me as you will
At least I show up on time to work and communicate professionally, without putting others down
You must be lonely on your island of superior intellect
Forgiveness is hard, especially of myself
I wish I wasn’t bothered by mean boys, wish I didn’t care what you say or think
Maybe it’d be easier to brush you off if I didn’t physically feel your energy in my body, or if I didn’t sincerely care about your spiritual wellbeing
Your energy is directed at me, but it isn’t about me
Your energy is yours, I have my own
I stumble home, pulling briars out of my skin
So grateful to be feminine
Basking in the energy of our Earth mama
Hold me mama, help me to forgive
Hold the hurting, mama, help them heal and live
Instead of destroying, I prefer to create and preserve peace- don’t get me wrong, I know when to let go, but I try to connect to the
Present moment, wonderful moment
Though I do not speak my boundaries, help me maintain energetic boundaries mama
Help me protect and repair my energy
I am an empowered empath, I am strong
Strong enough to feel it all and heal it all
Or at least heal myself
I wish you peace in your heart, love in your home, healing on your journey
My energy has survived worse than you
I collect my energy together, powerful and shimmering
I’ll need my energy again soon enough
I need it now
I feel it now
Let’s start where we are
I no longer strive to be labeled as ‘good’ by others
I need to get you off my chest