Little Miss Fearful

Once upon a time there was a little girl who felt smaller than she was because she was afraid of everybody.

She was so afraid that she could not bring herself to even speak of her fear, not to anyone.

Yet she pushed through, and got through life even though fear never left her.

By and by, she learned that fear was there to protect her.

She transformed her fear into courage as she confronted many obstacles.

What was once her handicap became her superpower.

Fear gave her energy to overcome challenges.

Little Miss Fearful became Little Miss Brave.

Unbridled

I finally found my life partner, my love

We’ve lived together for more than a year, peaceful as doves

Happiness pours like sunlight into my life

We wanted to make our union legal before starting a family so we applied for a marriage license
I let my two sisters know the good news- one sister was warm and loving, the other sharp daggers of ice
The first sister offered to sing a song and bake a cake
The second could not be present on our tentative date- so she rained down anger and hate
She was irate that I might celebrate the day without her in any way, however small
Her tyrant insecure ego ruled all
So I gave in to her, as I do
And excluded the rest of my family too
I am trying to understand her thoughts strange and cruel
Why should she have a say on how I carry out my wedding day?
I am a grown woman
She is unwell, wrathful as a demon unleashed from hell
She took the day dedicated to my happiness and love and made it about her anger and pain
That’s what narcissists do: they take your plans and shit in your hands
I was about to take flight and she pulled me back down, the way she does
Like everyday of my childhood, she still can’t kill my hope
Now if I do have a ceremony in the future, I wouldn’t want her there
Forced and coerced, I’m frozen in PTSD
I don’t want her in my life at all, too long have I suffered abuse and trauma from her disproportionate drama
Growing up I wished for her death for my liberation, but that’s not the way
I must be brave, face her and say
Your presence in my life is toxic
You ruined my childhood and now the day of my marriage too
How many ruined days of my life will be enough for you?
Never enough, I know that much
I ache to break free from your trauma-bonds
My brain throbs from the damage of abuse
The blade of my tongue dangles, hungry to cut you loose
In trying to tie me down, you only tied your noose
Your tight grasp only pushed me away
I’ve got this strong itch to tell you you’re a crazy bitch
If you want to stay in my life, stop being a dick
The narcissist and the co-dependent is an act I’m tired of playing
That’s how I know my man is right for me- he is giving
You have an insatiable appetite for my energy
You can’t imagine the pain you inflict on me
As you claim to care about me
I don’t want your conditional love
Love is unconditional, you’re the one who is fucked up
So I cry and kick and punch the air, wonder if you feel it out there
I hope you have nightmares about me in your sleep, that I set fire to your sheets
I learned terror and violence from you
I want to scream
I want to shout
I want to let my feelings out
A deafening roar presses behind my teeth, that old jangly door
I could drown you in my tears
We are both angry: you were born angry, and I am angry that you impose your anger as my problem; you blame me for your meltdowns which are your responsibility alone
If only everyone did what you wanted, there would be peace, or so you’d have me believe
Peace comes from within, stop your deafening din
I am not responsible for how you feel
You are the one who unleashes your anger
I am the robotic doll with no apparent emotions at all
I am also the bride, and there is no room for you in my sphere of love and positivity
With each breath I regain space for myself
By meditation or medication, I wish you well
On second thought, go to hell
It is OK for me to speak my truth
In the eye of your drama storm, I followed my heart and wed my true love
Amidst healing from your narcissistic abuse
I unite myself with self-love
You always tried to break me, but it only made me more unbreakable
You poisoned my wedding well-  I don’t want to sip from it again
You silenced my wedding bells, not knowing that the ringing in my ears cannot be suppressed
When we were little girls, I believed that I was responsible for your feelings
What an impossible task- you’ve always been mentally ill!
I believed it again when I didn’t stand up to you about getting married- when I took responsibility and cleaned up your mess by hiding my marriage from everyone else so that you wouldn’t feel left out
I hurt myself in the name of not hurting you
Yet you are hurt nonetheless, despite my best efforts, my ultimate sacrifice
I’m so fucking exhausted by this awful game
I hope that I fell for the lie for the last time
Armed with understanding, I slay the dynamic between our archetypes
There will be more tears to shed until the day that you are dead, and probably after that too, just to have known you, to have had my developing neuroendocrine system deformed by you
I struggle between wanting to make amends, to be sisterfriends
and to speak my truth, tell you what I think of you
Here is my unbridled rage: fuck you
Your misery is not my responsibility
I may not feel free yet, but with the pen I can write my revenge
Liberate my thoughts even though you may never read this
For a minute there, I lost myself
All these asshole experiences- with family members, exes, bosses
Simulating that I am a hunted and trapped animal
All this elaborate illusion to challenge me, push me to the limit to see if I can remember under pressure
That I am one with everything, that everything is one
In the quantum field, I tap into my innate healing energy, and radiate healing energy out to those motherfuckers as well
To the haters- though you are hurting, you are still loved
I may not like you, but I can assure you that you too are one with everything
Though you may never believe it in this lifetime, that is your loss, that is your spiritual amnesia to recover
I pray for the swift and complete liberation from suffering of all beings

The Warrior-Princess and the Dragon

Once upon a long enough time
There was a Warrior-Princess who could spin mad rhymes

She slayed other people’s dragons, as she earned a dime
Solving problems for fun, in her spare time

She invited all possible stress into her life
She felt strong as she stood amidst the onslaught of strife

She gathered knowledge and skills
To prevent and cure ills
But one thing seems to evade her still-
Overcoming the fear of her own dragon self

Every princess is also a warrior
Though she may feel trapped in a tower
Or a hospital corridor
Held captive by her fear of disappointing others,
Our heroine kept the fear of her dragon-self near

Our warrior-princess, while a vanquisher of things big and scary,
a master of getting into situations quite hairy,
was scared to death of her inner dragon,
she was terrified to speak her truth- to let out her desire, spit her anger-fire

The warrior-princess is me, and I’ve come to see
that the fear of dragons is all in my mind
My dragon has been my dear companion this whole time
ready to make noise if I’d only let it be free

I’ve let my reptilian brain keep me in trouble
when I could have been riding my dragon
floating like a bubble

For too long I shut my dragon down with stress
I felt so helpless and under duress
My dragon was ready to roar all along

I let my mammalian brain drive me insane
sticky emotions pulled me down the drain

Yet somehow my spirit persisted
My healing couldn’t be resisted

I’m ready to rise up and vocalize my voice, choose my choice
That may sound like a no-brainer,
but actually it’s a neo-brainer
Our Neo-cortex can function and rise above
When we trade our fear response for love

I’m ready to breathe my fire, let my power transpire
Let my dragon protect me
Instead of keeping it hidden
For too long I cowered as I became more trauma-ridden

I’m ready to become the Dragon Princess Warrior
Gather up my best, and leave the rest

I’m ready to combine the finesse of my Princess
with the courage of my Warrior
and the fierceness of my Dragon

Si se puede!

Yes I can live my best life

For so long, I sang a sad song
I silenced my self-advocacy
When as a young child, many molested me
I thought my dragon abandoned me when I yielded to the dragons of others
My dragon was protecting me the best way it knew how, the only way which I allowed it to- freeze, collapse, play dead

I am afraid of my dragon self,
and it is my fear to own
It is my fear to express through a poem

I’m ready to give up my crouching chameleon life
Shed my reptilian and mammalian skins
take my sweet hummingbird and eagle’s flight

To the fear of my dragon-self,
I bow in gratitude for the sacred journey
A-ho!

And A-ho! to us all
as on the journey we heed the call
to balance our inner princess, warrior and dragon
We have within us everything we need
and by balancing ourselves, we help bring balance to all, yes indeed
A-ho!

Shout-out to the mighty mitochondria-
I hope you’ve enjoyed the wild ride inside me
Thank you for all the ATP-
divine light energy
A-ho!