Mud

I struggle through the mud and muck

Damn near drowning in tears on the way up, or at least in the direction I hope is up

The dark is disorienting, I don’t know which way to go and I am afraid, with barely room to breathe

At the same time I feel my inner self ready to shine after being smothered by toxic energy for far too long

I now see that my drive to be a perfectionist over-achiever was only fuel for my family to get their narcissistic rocks off, rooted in the fear they incited in me, ancient history

My struggle to maintain control, to implore everyone to adore me just so I can feel somewhat safe for a millisecond is more dire than I realized; not only do I not control those around me, I barely control myself

I feel an ocean of emotions well up inside me

I’m afraid that I will lose control of myself completely, that the long-suffering inner dam will break and words will pour out that will change my core relationships forever, although they could use some change, they never felt right for me but I didn’t know any better until recently.

I am terrified to leave the stifling nest of comfort I wove around myself years ago; formed of countless strands of instructions I garnered through observation, guiding me to say this, not that. Don’t poke the bear. I grew up in a bear’s den; my every action held potential to unleash certain danger on myself if I messed up. I didn’t feel like one of the bears; I did not hold the power to stand and roar, I didn’t know that I was the fiercest of all.

Acupuncture needles penetrate deeper than skin, moving unseen mountains within me

A lifetime of unexpressed outrage held between my tightly clenched jaws, which groan under the sheer stress of it

Growth is painful and lonely

I feel the fire of my desire lit up even while I am still underground

Perhaps I need difficulty in order to blossom

Perhaps nothing was in vain, nothing went to waste

The mud is in the lotus and the lotus is in the mud

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