Panic

I’ve had panic attacks during sex

Panic with family, friends, colleagues, strangers. Panic while alone.

Panic in cars, on planes and on the phone

Panic during meals is hard to swallow

Panic eroded my life hollow

Reassure me that I’ll come out of this with my sanity and humanity intact

Gnashing of teeth and lashing of tongues. I had hoped to outgrow these abuses by the unabashedly manipulative when I was young.

Panic all through the night

Panic attacks in plain sight

Panic under masks and while performing tasks

Dear miserable people, please stop trying to put your misery on me, your energy is yours

To the ex-partners and patients who threaten suicide based on my actions, your decisions are your own.

What irks me most is how much I am like you even though I don’t say it, I give away my power, attribute my actions to others based on my imagined ideas of what they would want me to do, or what I think will be the path of least resistance.

Every cell in my body is screaming to walk away, yet I stay

Like a battered wife, chained to this archetype for life

I’ve had panic attacks while being interviewed and while interviewing others

Panic grips me as I toss and turn under the covers

I fool myself into thinking that I am clever and efficient, as I run backwards as fast as I can away from what I need, what my body demands

Racial slurs uttered on a death bed left a bitter taste in my mouth. You can keep your negativity, judgements and ignorance.

I should apologize to the men I’ve slept with for hurting myself through them by sleeping with them when I didn’t want to. Let me start by apologizing to myself.

When you try to break me it only makes me more unbreakable.

When you try to unload your drama onto me, I block it with a forcefield of positivity.

I’ve found that the meaning of life is not to be loved, but to be love

I may continue to surf waves of panic throughout my life.

This doesn’t mean that I will drown or fall ill, it simply means that I will gain more experience and skill.