Body Betrayal

Why do I only get knocked up when I am not trying?

After three unplanned pregnancies too early in the relationship to realize that I didn’t want to be with the father long-term, before breaking under the pressure of our mental illnesses, I prematurely concluded that my fertility was abundant.

Three abortions later, I am happily married and trying to get pregnant, meanwhile my health insurance and job are due to expire in <9 months. I feel my desperation grow and my hope dwindle more with each passing moon cycle.

Must I be reckless, drunk and naked with a stranger in order to conceive?

Body, have mercy. I’m sorry I’ve put you through hell, faithful servant. Please forgive me.

I may strive for perfection, but I never reach it.

I abuse myself, even now. I take my health for granted, even now.

This is my unfiltered personal statement.

PTSD memories pushing through each moment

I hear the echo of my steps on city streets

Tasting the bitter fruits purchased from the tiny fortune I amassed as a professional rape victim

I don’t know what it feels like to be in your body, pro-lifers

But I respect your right to use your body the way you want to, and I only ask that you let me do the same

I may never get pregnant again, but even if my fertility is not as abundant as I once believed, the universe is abundant

But body, must I get intoxicated with a stranger in order to get pregnant, or can we conceive of a new way of conceiving- one centered in sobriety, safety and stability?

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