Gem

Gem

In my youth I was broke and my spirit was also broken
The latter was the deeper poverty
With the inherent beauty of youth on my side
It was easy to fall down the rabbit-hole of craigslist
If you catch my gist
If you don’t, I’ll spell it out explicitly:

I sold my body to pay for basic needs: rent and food to eat
Before that, I went hungry and scavenged from trash
I didn’t feel great finishing the leftovers of rats
So when an ad asked for a young, open-minded, nice girl
To pose for photos, how could I say no?
The more ads I responded to, the more money I made
But also the more I got raped
Thinking of it, I dissociate

I gave sensual massages
I became Lola, Cindy, Ashley, and more
These were my names as a whore
I was marketed as a wholesome, all-American, girl-next-door
I jerked off some of the most powerful men in the world
My favorites were the ones who just wanted to talk
But they were few and far between
Far more common were the mentally ill, the coke-heads, the alcoholics, the men who wanted to use me for the things their wives and girlfriends refused: talking dirty, anal sex, deep-throating, role play and public humiliation

I was appalled to see how they spent money
On overpriced drinks, meals, hotel rooms and lingerie
I invested in high-heels and lacy underwear
And was exposed to the wide world of fetishes
They all came eventually
I felt so relieved when they did
Because it meant that my burning muscles could rest

The money flow was easy-come, easy-go
I am ashamed to admit that I spent frivolously
Justifying my purchase with the thought,
‘I’ll just jerk-off another man and earn more’

I wanted to give myself the things I had previously been denied, but it turns out that food doesn’t taste good when it is payed for with lies
I only wanted to give hand-jobs
But the men took from me what they wanted
I have a feeling they treat the whole world that way:
As a grounds for them to play and get their way without ever having to say that they are sorry for anything

I am sorry, body, for what I put you through
I am sorry, name, for changing you
Now I try to respect my body, and respect my name
Spiritually gardening everyday, I cultivate inner riches
My efforts bring a much higher yield than any other field
The spiritual realm is the ultimate gem

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